The first meeting: how to understand that this is not your man?

The first meeting: how to understand that this is not your man?

Love is blind. However, on the first date, while we still have a sober eye, we can see signals that tell us: this might not be the best choice. Here is an overview of 11 real-life situations.

1. Your partner is focused on himself

You agree to a cup of coffee, and the interlocutor talks enthusiastically about himself for an hour.

Potential danger: Perhaps you yourself pelt him with questions. But if not, there is a good chance that you are a man who is fixed on himself, his feelings and interests. Your life and your interests will always be secondary to him.

“Sometimes excessive talkativeness can be a manifestation of low ability to communicate, caused by shyness and a desire to protect yourself with a mask of supposed confidence,” says Suzanne Deguise White, a family psychologist and professor at Northern Illinois University. – But if you’re looking at a classic narcissist – a person who is totally self-absorbed – there’s a good chance he or she will carry that narcissism through his or her life.

2. You feel guilty even though you did nothing wrong

You offer to go to a restaurant that specializes in sushi or steaks. He agrees, but orders a dish that is not on the list of specialties. And then he resents that it was not good.

Potential danger: It is obvious that the new acquaintance likes soup, for example, more than sushi. However, the inability to meet and change his inner attitude indicates that in the future, any violation of his intentions will be a guarantee of permanent dissatisfaction. And it is you who will be a witness or a culprit. Are you able to keep a happy and positive attitude in such circumstances?

3. The person you’re talking is constantly complains about his life

Already on the first date you’ll find out how difficult his relationship with his parents or how he is bullied at work. Or maybe about how his ex didn’t understand him.

Potential danger: People often talk about what they think is important and worthy of attention. “In this case, what is presented as vulnerability and insecurity actually turns out to be an inability to form constructive, healthy relationships,” says Suzanne White. – Chances are, and you become the person with whom it will be difficult to find understanding. Of course, solely due to your, from his point of view, fault.

4. Your partner does not pay attention to you

He  invites you to his favorite sports bar and fully immerses himself in what is happening on the screen.

Potential danger: The fact that he decided to combine the first meeting with the game of his favorite team, it already says that you are not quite captivated his attention. And if you feel that the game is more interesting to him and he tries to switch to the screen at every opportunity, it is worth considering continuing the relationship, even if he proposes a second date.

5. Excessive demands on the cafe staff

You are sitting in a coffee shop, where he pestered the barista with exorbitant demands. As a result, he is still dissatisfied – the foam is not whipped hard enough, and the milk was served at the wrong temperature.

Potential danger: Such excessive demands, as a rule, also concern the closest people. If a person at a restaurant expects to be served a steak with a degree-accurate cooking temperature, he will have no less inflated expectations of his partner.

6. You are hearing too much about past relationships

You feel that he is close to you, and you understand him well. He does not take his eyes off you, laughs when you joke, communicates with him easily and warmly. And then suddenly he admits that he just recently broke up with a girl and what happened is still painful.

Potential danger: “It is very possible that the new acquaintance is trying to heal wounds at the expense of your attention,” says Suzanne White. – To move on internally, he is not yet ready and often does not realize it. Of course, this relationship can be given a chance, and at least a second date, but try not to get involved in the “therapy process. His experience should experience and process himself, and only then will you be able to find a deep and happy relationship.

7. He does not like your pet

You have arranged for him to pick you up. He rings the doorbell and your dog starts barking menacingly. You calm your pet and, opening the door for your guest, you want to introduce them. But you hear the words spoken with ill-concealed irritation: “He doesn’t seem to like me. Maybe you should muzzle him.” Or your cat hisses threateningly, clearly not appreciating the new acquaintance. After which you get a sincere confession: “I don’t like cats.”

Potential danger: Alas, both of these scenes do not promise anything good for the relationship. Turning a small pet lover into a fan of your adored cat or the best dog in the world is an impossible task. The feeling that your dear creature is not loved will create internal resistance and irritation. No matter how much we try to control our feelings or convince ourselves that we don’t all have to love our pets.

8. Your partner checks the phone too often

He is unable to concentrate on the conversation for more than five minutes and constantly checks his phone, leaving you wondering – is he that interested in you? And will he want to meet again?

Potential danger: “It’s likely that the answers to these questions will be positive and he likes you,” says Suzanne White. – However, the first date proves to be a good indicator of the extent to which, in the future, a person will prove capable of being emotionally involved in a relationship with you at a particular point in time.”

9. You are given SO MUCH attention

When you first meet him, he shows you a lot of attention, endlessly wondering whether you are warm enough, whether you like the food. Maybe you wanted to choose a different café for the meeting? He is so focused on your feelings and reactions that you become uncomfortable.

Potential danger: Everyone likes to be treated with consideration. However, the reason for such increased care could be his extremely low self-confidence. In this case, you have to keep constantly encouraging him, saying that he’s great, you love and appreciate it, and your relationship is not threatened.

10. You feel that your views and interests do not coincide with his

He shares views on politics, religion, human nature, and relationships. You feel that there is a fundamental difference in your views. At the same time, you like him very much.

Potential danger: The mismatch of views on some issues should not become a barrier in the relationship at all. But if it concerns ideas that are important for you, there is a great danger that over time partners will have a great desire to convert each other. As a rule, such disputes end only with growing irritation and feelings of alienation.

11. Your partner easily loses control of himself

He is driving and someone cuts him off on the road. This pisses him off, and in a restaurant he lashes out at the waiter. But he is careful and polite to you.

Potential danger: A first date is often a stressful situation. However, if what you see demonstrates his ability to handle “positive stress,” you probably don’t want to be around him in more dramatic situations that require focus and poise.


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