The key to a harmonious union is to talk to each other, not to follow advice from movies and social networks. Here are the 10 most common mistakes people make in marriages and love relationships.
1. Melt into each other
The anglerfish in the process of breeding literally merge into one. For many, this is what an ideal relationship looks like: partners should spend all the time together, have only common interests, be everything for each other.
Just because people are together doesn’t mean they have one life for two and have to give up everything that exists beyond the relationship. Each of the couple previously had their own goals, dreams, and hobbies that shaped their personalities. A harmonious relationship only adds new colors to life rather than forcing them to sacrifice what was precious.
2. Reconciling through sex
Sex after a quarrel is considered a very effective reconciliation tactic in many families. It is considered more vivid than usual, and there is scientific justification for this.
Conflict can be perceived as a threat to the relationship. And this feeling triggers a kind of defense mechanism that motivates the restoration of a sense of intimacy and security through sex. That is, partners experience a particular arousal, and transform the strong emotions provoked by the conflict into sexual desire. It is no coincidence that sex after an argument is mentioned in one way or another in many movies and TV shows.
But in the long run, this kind of intimacy may not have very good consequences. It is not for nothing that in English it is sometimes called make-up sex (masking the problem). There is nothing wrong with make-up sex itself, the problems begin when it is used not in addition to, but instead of verbal reconciliation. After all, the problem that caused the fight doesn’t go anywhere, and it still needs to be discussed.
Besides, there is a risk that one of the partners will purposely provoke quarrels for the sake of sex afterwards.
3. To be patient so as not to offend
It seems that every other toast at weddings ends with the words “and most importantly, patience. Many people perceive this as a pledge of good relations and steadfastly endure inconveniences. But it can’t go on like this for long, sooner or later the dam of patience will break and dissatisfaction will spill over to the partner. And he may not even be aware that the other is playing the hero.
Let’s say a girl brings a guy breakfast in bed on his day off, and he doesn’t want to eat in bed. He wants to empty his bladder, brush his teeth, and have no one touch him for 10 minutes after he wakes up. But he appreciates caring and doesn’t want to offend his beloved, so every weekend he chews what she has brought, gets angry, and then gets mad over some little thing. It seems that both want to make each other feel good, but in the end no one feels good.
Understanding your emotions and being able to label them, talking to each other is much more important than tolerating, and also much more productive.
4. Custody of each other
Every romantic social networking site is flooded with vanilla quotes about a guy forcing a girl to wear a hat. And “forced” is the key word here, implying sanctions up to and including assault. And in the comments hundreds of people write, “What love!”
The example is exaggerated, of course, but people sometimes go overboard in their attempts to “do good” to their loved ones. When partners care about each other, that’s great. But we shouldn’t forget that there are equal adults living together. No one has adopted or adopted anyone, and therefore everyone is able to figure out what to eat, what time to go to bed, and whether or not to wear a hat.
5. Compensate the consequences of a quarrel with gifts
Once again, we are immersed in the world of social media and romantic comedies, which make it clear that whatever you have done, it can always be compensated with expensive gifts or nice gestures. There was conflict, but a bouquet of 100 roses or a cooked delicacy goes and there is no conflict.
All this looks spectacular from the outside, but it has nothing to do with solving the problems from which partners quarrel, because the contradictions do not disappear. On the other hand, this can lead to an unhealthy pattern of behavior, when one partner behaves as he wants and then simply “pays him off,” while the other provokes conflicts for the sake of grand gestures and attention.
6. Using the absence of sex as punishment
In sitcoms and jokes are often about a situation where a man has done something wrong and a woman refuses to have sex with him. And she voices the term, which depends on the scale of the transgression. It would seem that this plot has moved into the humorous genre because it has ceased to occur in life. But no, the forums are actively discussing how effective this method is. Moreover, both men and women practice it.
But sex is a process in which two people are involved. They both want it, and they both enjoy it. And when sex is used as a means of “training,” it appears that only one person is interested in it. It is unpleasant to go to bed with this feeling, even in conflict-free times.
7. Counting points
People are supposed to invest roughly equally in a relationship. But sometimes partners are too careful to make sure that the “contributions” are the same. One gives a gift, so the other owes a gift, too. If one forgets the partner’s request, he or she will get a kickback – his or her wish will also be ignored. Everything seems to be fair. But we are talking about a romantic relationship, not a market relationship.
In a harmonious union, everyone wants to do better for himself and his partner. There is no need to settle scores.
8. To consider jealousy as a manifestation of love
Popular wisdom says: “Jealous means he loves”. If a person does not trace every text message with a possessive glance, does not forbid to communicate with people of the opposite sex, then he is not very keen on his partner. In such a case, it is sometimes advised to even deliberately set up situations so that he or she will get worried: let him or her understand that he or she can lose forever! On the other hand, folk wisdom also says that hitting means love, so you should not really trust her in relationship matters.
Jealousy is a painful feeling that makes a person doubt himself and his partner, feel vulnerable, and suffer. Everyone faces it from time to time. And it is obviously not worth worrying about the fact that your partner is not suffering enough. It has little to do with the power of love.
9. “Helping” your partner become a better person
Some people build relationships according to the method of Papa Carlo: they find a man who is unsuitable for them and try to whittle him into a Pinocchio. Some hope to change their partner with love, some hope to change him with pressure, which is even worse. Naturally, all this is done in the seemingly best of intentions. A little effort and the beloved will become more beautiful and cheerful, and even smarter and more promising.
And here is a good time to remember that partners in a relationship are equals. And in general, one has no right to insist that the other change. It is possible to talk to him about what does not suit him, to ask him to behave differently. But no one is obliged, for example, to change stomped sneakers for model shoes, because the other half likes it better. And if you start threatening, manipulating, and throwing out unwanted shoes secretly, it’s not any help, but violence.
10. Change to make your partner love you more
The phenomenon described in the previous paragraph has a flip side. Sometimes people want to conform to their partner’s desires so much that they try to transform themselves by “breaking their own knee”. Nothing good comes out of this, of course. Because change should be for yourself, not for your partner. Otherwise, this can lead to lower self-esteem, internal conflicts, and even depression.