Return of an Ex: Why this is not a good sign?

Return of an Ex: Why this is not a good sign?

You have been through a breakup. A breakup is not painless. You may have made attempts to maintain or renew them. But in the end, it was over.

It took you a while to come to your senses. You may not have fully recovered. But there comes a point when life has gone on and an ex is in the past.

You are single or have met someone, are socializing, going on dates, working, taking care of the house, children, hobbies, living your life. And then the unexpected happens: a text message, a call, a message in a messenger or social networks from an ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend: “How are you?”. Or even: “Maybe I’ll see you around?” or “Let’s start all over again”.

It doesn’t matter what this “comeback” looks like. One thing is important: he or she wants to be with you again. What to do? Get excited? Don’t rush to conclusions.

If an ex is trying to come back, it is often a bad sign.

But why is it so? Why shouldn’t you joyfully open your arms to your former lover? Below I propose to understand the reasons for such behavior of an ex-lover.

Someone dropped his/her self-esteem

Dating and relationships are always a risk. It’s not just us who choose, it’s also us. Not always the sympathy is mutual, not always other people want what we want. Not everyone’s values, attitudes and desires are the same. Not everyone succeeds in making a relationship, and they can also fall apart quickly.

Sometimes a new lover or beloved may disappear without a trace, even though it seems that several pleasant meetings have taken place, you have realized that you have a lot in common and you are good together.

All these love failures can affect self-esteem, especially if this very self-esteem was not healthy and stable to begin with. Some people with low self-esteem try to compensate for it at the expense of other people. And if something has “dropped” this very self-esteem, the person will try to find resource to restore it.

Such a resource can be you! Why? Because you are already familiar, understandable, predictable, all your “buttons” and “levers” are well studied, and you are also ready to forgive everything and accept the person back as he is.

For exes this is the perfect way out of the problem. There is no need to overcome difficulties, no need to work on yourself, you can just go back, where you (albeit not immediately), but will be accepted and will be given at your expense to assert yourself.

No sincere love is out of the question in this case. Because your ex is not interested in you as a person. He or she justr uses you to restore his/her self-esteem and self-respect.

An old partner is easy, convenient, saving money

New people, new acquaintances, relationships, failures, new attempts – all this is not easy, it takes time, effort, and resources. In addition, there is no guarantee of results. And if the relationship is established, an ex need to get to know the other person, to adjust, to look for compromises, to pay attention, to be interested in life, to care, etc.

When an ex recalls you for him or her everything is clear, established, predictable. He or she know what to expect from you. This saves time and energy.

This is not about love. It is just convenient with you, and it does not matter whether it is convenient for you: if an ex did not pay you attention and did not care, then it makes no sense to expect it after the reunion.

Returning for the purpose of interference or revenge

There was an episode in my life when my ex kept coming back whenever I started a new relationship. In my inexperience and naivety, I perceived such returns as a manifestation of great love. And several times I gave up on very promising relationships with good young men.

At such moments, my ex said and did a lot, but as soon as I left communication with new suitors, he immediately made a grimace: “I didn’t promise you any of that. I’m not really interested”. At that moment, all attention, words and actions evaporated. And young me could not connect one with the other. I just couldn’t understand: why did the man so actively want to come back, to bring me back, and then he “didn’t really interested”?

In the end we finally separated, a lot of time passed. I met a wonderful man. And my ex somehow found out about it and immediately showed up with the “old song”: “I only realized how valuable you are to me when I lost you. I want a family with you. Everything I did, I did for you”… And all that kind of stuff.

I didn’t believe him. To fall for this third time means absolutely no conclusion, no learning from experience, and no self-love. But why can exes come back when you’re in a new relationship, when everything is good?

There are many reasons: narcissism, vindictiveness, envy, desire to control you and your life… But not one of them is adequate in relation to the beloved. It is not love!

One thing is certain: it is done by those who are not interested in your feelings and your well-being. Such people just hurt you. Perhaps even with malice.

Are there any exceptions? Are exes even capable of falling in love again (if they did)? Yes, in the rarest of cases, when exes come back because they realized: they truly love you. However, statistics say that these cases are no more than 5 out of 100.


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