I have an acquaintance, his name is Evan. He was a womanizer, a ladies’ man, a woman’s lover. He spent his whole life changing them “like gloves”, but he couldn’t stop at one woman for a long time.
One day, however, he met a young girl whom he fell in love with. He decided to marry her. Although he was 37 and she was only 19. But the marriage proposal was not an easy one, and it came with a number of conditions:
- You don’t have to work, I will provide money for the family;
- You must born me a child and bring him up;
- There will only be one man in your life, and that will be me;
- You do not have to love me;
- I do not tolerate criticism of myself. There must be no complaining or whining on your part;
- You do not ask how I live or where I spend my time. This is my business;
- I am in charge of the family and my word is law.
And what do you think? She thought about it for a while and agreed!
Maybe this girl was just looking for a man to live behind him like a stone wall. She doesn’t worry about anything, she just stays home and raises her children. Well, she didn’t care much about how he lived or what he would do.
Of course she had to sacrifice her freedom. But that was the cost of a stone wall. Not many women are willing to do that, but for this young girl the cost seemed insignificant.
Two years later they had a baby. Evan continues to work as an executive in a construction firm, he is constantly traveling on business trips, and she stays home and babysits the baby without asking what he is doing there.
What do I think of this as a family psychologist?
We are dealing with the classic Eastern approach to family relationships: the husband is the head and the earner, the wife is the housewife and childminder. A patriarchal idyll.
Now this couple is seems happy. But let’s not forget the age difference. And also the fact that many husbands in such strictly patriarchal families turn into despots and tyrants over time.
In my opinion, of course, such a relationship will not be harmonious in any way and will lead either to total indifference to each other, or even to divorce. Why?
The man believes that if he is in charge, his wife must submit to him completely. This is the position of master and slave, but not that of equal partners, each of whom has the right to take an interest in the life of the other and to expect attention and help with his issues.
Unfortunately, the “patriarchal family” is not what many people think. It’s not just the man in charge and the woman inspiring, no. It is the man in charge and the woman is nobody, she has no rights, and doesn’t care what she wants or what her emotions are.
I don’t want to be an advocate for women (like, poor girls are being disadvantaged). No. But the position of absolute patriarch in the family creates problems for the man himself. There is an immutable truth:
If a man does not listen to a woman, he begins to suffer. He looks for mistresses, goes into drunkenness, alcohol, and ultimately destroys himself. Or the family. Or all of them together.
So no amount of rigid conditions and attempts to prohibit a woman to express her emotions and ask for attention will not lead to a man’s happiness.
100% of clients who come to me with the problem of “burnout”, “loss of interest in the family” is expressed by the fact that a man has spat on a woman, found someone on the side. And I think that’s the husband’s responsibility and nobody else’s!