Is a husband needed if, except for his salary, his role in the family is almost zero? When the wife solves all family problems: raising children, choosing to buy goods and clothes, solving financial issues, solving repair problems and maintenance of the house and many other everyday family problems.
In such families, the husband helps his wife, but only at her behest: he may go to the store at her request, help with cooking, sharpening knives, do her other errands. But in this case, he acts like a robot: if his wife told him to do it, he did it, and if she did not tell him not to do anything.
This is a difficult, but very common situation today, in which the woman becomes nervous and unhappy, but the husband, on the contrary, all satisfied and is not going to change anything.
Here are some more vivid examples from my psychological practice:
- He and she are in the bank. They open a deposit. The woman asks a thousand questions about the terms (replenishable deposit or not, whether there is early withdrawal, capitalization of interest, etc.). The man sits passively by, his eyes wandering somewhere. Then they go to the cash register, the woman goes in, the man stays outside. And what does the husband say? “The wife knows better about money”. Seriously, he doesn’t care;
- A couple in the supermarket. The woman walks with a grocery list, controlling what to take. The man agonizingly, but obediently, weaves behind with the cart. What do the men say? “I don’t like this shopping, let my wife do it”;
- Behavior of husband and wife in disputes with store consultants. A typical example: an indignant woman tries to get a return for a product she is not satisfied with. She argues with the manager, proves something, and gets angry. The man stands beside her with an expression of universal sorrow, his face frozen with the phrase: “I had nothing to do with it, I’m fine”. And in fact, he’s afraid to assert his position, and he’s ashamed. And he doesn’t feel sorry for the money (because his wife controls it);
- Parenting. If a teenager comes home only with “D’s”, his father grumbles: “You’ve grown up to be a wreck! It’s all your fault, mother, you indulge him”. That said, men don’t like to sit through hours of children’s lessons and check their homework like women do. What do they say? “To hell with all that, I’ve already done my homework in my time”. But what kind of example are they setting for their children?
- Walking together with kids. If kids start running away, such fathers start yelling at them loudly: “I told you 10 times already, don’t run away!”. But what is the point of yelling if the rule doesn’t work? It’s much more important to establish specific rules and penalties for breaking them. But it’s difficult, it has to be monitored and controlled, and it’s much easier to yell.
What is the problem with such families? Obviously, the roles of wife and husband are reversed and there is an imbalance of responsibility:
In families where the wife makes all the decisions, the roles are reversed: mom is the “strict policeman”, dad is the “kind one”. That is, women are more strict towards children, and dads, on the contrary, are more affectionate. And what do we end up with? Moms are dads, and dads are moms!
It’s good if there are girls in such a family: they know what’s what, and they are more attached to their dads. But what happens if there are sons in such a family? That would be a disaster! Guys brought up by their mothers grow up to be uncoordinated, soft and unselfish.
But I’ll tell you honestly: not only husbands are to blame for this problem, but wives as well. They’re the ones who take on men’s responsibilities, even though they don’t have to!
Very often this division of roles in the family is forced, because of some problem in life. For example, if the man has lost his job. In this case, the wife feels that she has become the sole “breadwinner of the family” and takes over some of the men’s responsibilities.
But it is interesting: even when the husbands are again beginning to make good money, the redistribution of family roles back often does not happen. Why not? Because husbands have already “tasted” the perks of an irresponsible life and do not want to part with it.
So what to do spouses in families where the wife decides everything?
Psychologists are divided on this issue:
- Proponents of patriarchal families believe that the husband should regain his role as the head of the family. The man should again take responsibility for most areas of family life, or at least actively participate in its development;
- Other psychologists believe that the family is a common work of the spouses. You can not share the common merits and blame each other for the fact that you have different roles in the family. Men tend to want to be the hero-winner, the breadwinner in the family. But there is nothing wrong with the fact that it turns out it is the wife to perform this duty.
In general, it must be said that emancipation and the equalization of women’s rights and salaries with men have definitely changed family roles in many countries. If a woman earns more than a man, that is okay. But only if the man is willing to take on some of the female responsibilities.
If the husband takes care of the children and keeps the house in order, his role in the family is no less than that of his wife. And it does not matter how much he earns.
If both spouses make equal efforts for the good of the family, their roles are not that important.
This is a very important point. Above we looked at several examples where the wife is responsible for everything and the husband acts passively. This is not a commensurate contribution to the family.
Unfortunately, not all husbands understand this. They think that the fact that they are already making money is enough to be the head of the family. No, guys. Maybe in the XX century it was, but in the XXI century it’s not enough.
If you want your marriage to be strong and your children to grow up to be successful, you must make an more effort. Yes, if your wife wants to, she can still make all the decisions. But you, as the “gray cardinal”, must be her “No. 1” advisor. No one knows what is best for your family but you.
That was my advice to husbands. Now here’s what I say to the women in these families:
Women are so constructed that they very often don’t appreciate what they have. They are driven by prejudice, fashion, Instagram posts and always want more. If your husband brings money and helps with the kids and around the house (even if it’s on your commands) – be glad he’s with you. Believe me: the life of a divorced woman is much harder.