Early trauma is always now, it means that we are trying to cope with today’s problems by means of past ways of survival. Everything around us is perceived as a world from the past. It is walking in a vicious circle.
Identity is one’s own self, with wants and needs. Feeling about oneself and one’s body independent of others.
Identity trauma is a very difficult trauma, a person’s deepest pain. One who exists, even though, according to the opinion and desire of their creator (mom, dad), they should not exist. They are unwanted children who have to assert their existence, against the will of their parent. They have to live their own life, knowing inside “No” from their mother. The child survives and adapts.
The desire to have a child is often a survival strategy in itself for traumatized parents. They want to fill their own emptiness at the expense of the child, to hold on to a man, to create the illusion of family, or to have a baby for mom or mom to themselves, or because it is very time. They do it all for themselves, not out of a healthy desire “I want to be a mom”.
Often I ask the question, “What kind of childhood did you have?”. The initial response and answer is usually obvious: “I had a great childhood”. Only then, going down, do the illusions dissolve and the pain and truth rise to the surface.
In order to survive, the child has to give up his own self and take over his mother’s, obeying, fulfilling her wishes, fitting in. In order to be with mom, the illusion of love was formed on the basis of life. A formula arises of “WE” = “me and my mom”. That is, WE = and my mother, everything my mother perceives as hers, there is no one of our own.
For a person with identity trauma, nothing is taken for granted. Breathing, heartbeat, body temperature, feeling one’s body, contact, eating, toileting, movement, one’s own desires are all questioned, because one questions oneself and believes that one can exist only when one dissolves into someone else and meets his needs. Such was the first experience.
The consequence of identity trauma is a disruption of attachment. People in all their subsequent relationships look for what they gave up early on, gave up on themselves: vitality, joie de vivre, the will to live. It seems to them that they cannot survive alone. A relationship with another person becomes a substitute for one’s self. This means that there must always be a relationship with someone, because to be alone is panic and fear, perceived as a danger to life.