Make Love, Not War. 10 Tips how to avoid and stop a Quarrel
All couples quarrel, but how they do it can make or break their union. Marriage and love experts say with one voice that quarrels are perfectly normal in a relationship, as long as they occur in the “right scenario”.
Understand the reason for the quarrel
People quarrel with each other for a variety of reasons, one of which is often a lack of understanding of each other. A difference of opinion about life in general or about some specific things usually generates a dispute between people, but it can also very easily turn into a quarrel.
It all starts with the simplest thing: one said, the other did not understand, a word for a word and the conflict began. It all depends on the character of both parties, on the situation and on the reaction of each party to the particular situation. But to avoid any quarrel, you need to be able to think about the situation and its causes, to listen to the other, to intelligently argue your opinion and be able to find a compromise in any situation that would suit both parties.
The reasons why people quarrel most often are as follows:
- Different Attitudes. The most common reason is different views of the situation. All people face this reason. It is worth understanding that everyone was raised and grew up in different conditions, so everyone has formed their own view of life. If two people look at the same situation differently, it is difficult to avoid conflict;
- Willingness to defend their own opinions. Everyone has an personal opinion, and many consider it the only true one. It is these kinds of people who enter into conflict if the opponent does not agree with them. They have a need not just to convey their point of view, but also to change the opponent’s mind. It is important for them to be recognized as right;
- Unwillingness to listen. All of us primarily focus on our own problems, and sometimes we forget about the people closest to us. But, the very same loved one who is near, and sees that he does not notice and do not listen, may take offense and pick a quarrel;
- Lack of love. If we talk about quarrels in relationships, a frequent cause there is a lack of love from one of the partners. As a result, he behaves indifferently or even rudely. The partner, in turn, painfully perceives it and begins to express claims and resentment;
- Envy. There are many people who are characterized by a sense of envy. They feel that others are luckier than they are, and they transfer this sense of injustice to the quarrel. They may nag, devalue, insult, and as a result provoke conflict.
Which quarrels are useful and which should be avoided?
To begin with, that quarrels are inevitable.. There are no couples or love relationships without quarrels. Accept this as a fact.
Look at the problem philosophically: a quarrel reveals some problem in the relationship that needs to be solved. It is not without reason that even wisemans in ancient Greece they said, “Truth is born in an arguments”.
In some cases, quarrels in the family may even be useful. For example, if there is mistrust or tension in the relationship, a quarrel will be an excellent way to clarify your intentions and desires, to find and solve the problem. Let’s call such quarrels “benevolent” quarrels.
The main difference between friendly quarrels against destructive – is striving to solve common problems. Moreover, this happens without shouting, without insults and reproaches, after which people make peace with each other.
Constructive, “good” quarrels are very useful for relationships. Moreover, they allow you to make communication between family members more trustworthy.
For example, if you feel that your husband is often angry, but does not want to talk about the reasons for their anger, it will alert you. In a relationship of uncertainty, the couple feel that between them there is something unsaid, the tension, some hidden conflict.
If you learn how to quarrel on business, that is, to solve a conflict by peaceful means, trying not to offend your partner and not bring it to a scandal, you will always know that your relationship is open, and if your partner will be irritated by something, he will not begin to accumulate anger and talk about you behind your back, and directly express his grievances.
It also happens that some spouses are so stubborn in their opinions that they are used to arguing with each other. It is normal if there is reconciliation afterwards.
Unfortunately, most quarrels in families are destructive rather than benevolent. The parties want war, not peace, and their behavior during a quarrel can completely destroy the relationship.
For example, during arguments many couples tend to raise their voices (and even shout), hurl insulting remarks at each other, and say hurtful things. This is unfortunate because it hurts each other rather than solving the problem.
Destructive quarrels are actions and words that cannot be forgotten, cannot be changed, cannot be repaired with apologies. It is destructive behavior that only spoils the relationship between people.
Even though it is common for us to feel emotions or to be caught up in vanity, it is important to remember that unpleasant, rude or unhealthy arguments can turn into a wedge between you and your partner.
Of course, this does not mean that if you are not happy with something in the relationship you have to agree with everything and be a “poor sheep”. Most experts in psychology believe that disputes between a man and a woman – it is normal, it is an important and necessary part of the relationship. But only on one condition – if the battles in this “war” are fought by the rules.
A survey of 1,000 people found that arguing couples are 10 times more likely to have a happy relationship. Spouses with years of experience know that differences of opinion are inevitable. Therefore, it is logical that they are willing to interact with each other and come to terms with their differences. Such partners consider their relationship much closer than those who prefer to hide all their feelings.
Effective methods to avoid and stop a quarrel
1. Listen quietly, speaking calmly, without insults
This is the main rule and way to end the quarrel or to put it into a normal conversation.
Avoid insults in any situation. No matter what the discussion is about, no matter what area of problems, never, never insult your loved one. Remember: One deliberate insult is enough for a simple argument to sharply escalate into a large-scale quarrel.
Even if the subject of a difficult conversation was your relationship, focus on the problematic situation and not the personality of the interlocutor. So you prevent a quarrel, and cope with the problem with minimal mental cost.
2. Temper your opponent with silence
There are some people who wind up with a twist, they are hot-tempered, but they are resilient. If you pay attention to every heatedly spoken phrase, altercations between you will become a habit of communication. The only way to avoid constant quarrels – a quiet silence.
Of course, this method of conflict prevention will seem humiliating to some people, some people simply do not allow you to wait in silence while your opponent “blows off steam”. Here’s just if with this man or woman you associate a close relationship, there is no other way. Temper your opponent with silence. If it is difficult for you, imagine that you have a full mouth of water. If your character does not allow to keep silent, ten sips of cold mineral water will bring you to your senses.
3. Get the word “must” out of your lexicon
Of course, living together involves responsibility for each other. Both spouses have obligations that make them primary helpers and co-conspirators in trouble. On the other hand, it is foolish to think of these responsibilities as “owed.” This view of marriage is in some ways even destructive. Because it explains love from a position of coercion, control, and limitation.
The partner doesn’t have to do anything, he’s there because he wants to. If you want to avoid quarrels, it is better to replace the phrase “must” with something more appropriate. For example, not “you have to help me and make a living,” but “it’s great when you take care of me, I can’t do without your help!”.
4. Break the “guilt-blaming” chain
Every conflict in a couple begins with someone venting aggression. Then he feels guilty and his conscience begins to gnaw at him. And, to defend himself, he attacks again, blaming his partner for his condition. Thus the circle of guilt-accusation closes in, igniting conflict to unprecedented proportions.
To avoid this cycle of quarrels, you have to act outside the box. Either stop attacking your partner and still take the blame. Or forgive yourself an outburst of anger and try to find compromises.
5. Disengagement method
This term in conflict studies means an end to the interaction when both sides leave the “battlefield”.
By choosing this method of avoiding a quarrel you will get to the point where either one of you slams the door and leaves, or both stay home but go to different rooms.
This is an effective method to avoid quarrel, but with drawbacks. A post-conflict situation is possible, which can be very painful for both parties. If the separation happened, make every effort to smooth the situation out as soon as possible. This is precisely the case when it is worth making concessions.
6. Listen, say, listen, say
This is a simple and effective psychological technique. It consists in the elementary ability of both sides to speak and listen in turn. As soon as the simultaneous shouting stops, the conversation itself switches to a lower tone, and a few minutes later turns into a constructive conversation.
7. Stop Signal
If regular quarrels with your partner become a habit, invent with your opponent a “password” or in NLP terms an “anchor”: some word that will instantly switch your attention.
It looks like this: as soon as a quarrel arises, someone says the cherished word, and then both shut up for exactly 1 minute. Only after that can the quarrel be continued. But practice shows that no one needs to continue…
8. Offer your opponent to eat
You’d be surprised, but according to numerous studies people are more likely to quarrel and argue on an empty stomach. Conversely, well-fed people behave peacefully and constructively.
So if your spouse is angry and raises it’s voice, try to offer him / her dinner. First of all, this will soften anger. And secondly, during a meal natural physiological processes eliminate stress and leave no trace of the flaring anger.
9. Reschedule the conflict for tomorrow
Set a time limit for quarrels. Agree among yourself that you can quarrel as you like, as much as you like and for whatever reason. But only until the evening or until 10:00 p.m. After sundown, you sit down to dinner together, walk the dog together, and end the day with a peaceful sleep in each other’s arms. Even if the offense is not gone, talk about the quarrel should not be any of the opponents.
It is worth once to observe this regime, and the next time you’ll think before you start a new quarrel.
10. Listen to your partner and then say “let’s think about how to solve this problem”
The main thing is to understand that this phrase should be followed by a real willingness to listen and accept another’s point of view. This is a great counterargument in a quarrel with the person you love, because it shows that you care about the relationship and that you are willing to listen to the reasonable arguments of the other side.