Self-toxicity, unfortunately, is a common phenomenon among people with low self-esteem. And in order to fight it, it is necessary to determine the causes of this phenomenon, as well as to develop the right strategy of behavior.
From this article you will learn by what signs you can determine toxicity to yourself, how it manifests itself, plus we also give advice from psychologists how to get rid of it.
One Real Story
Jane never liked herself, she remembered that from an early age. Her mother was excessively strict with her, and her father did not care at all. The girl tried her best to win her parents’ love, but heard only reproaches in her direction and comparisons with other children, which were always not in her favor.
During her growing up she got used to achieve everything by hard work. The girl successfully graduated from school, college, found a good job and brought her appearance in perfect order, and met a decent guy who genuinely fell in love with her.
But the desire to be near him and the fear of losing him did the trick. The more Jane tried to win his love, the more he drifted away from her. Then one day he disappeared for good.
The same thing happened to the other boyfriend. These stories repeats over and over again. And the girl realized that no one loved her. But the worst thing was that she stopped loving herself. She had to see a psychologist, after which her life dramatically changed for the better. She fell in love with herself and found the love of her family members: her husband and children.
6 signs of being toxic to yourself
So how does self-toxicity manifest? Here are 6 main signs:
- Constant internal oppression: “Why am I so stupid?!”, “What an idiot I am!”, “I’m ugly”, “I’m a total loser!”, etc;
- Self-Depreciation. It is expressed in the fact that you put yourself in last place in the family, the work-collective, the society. Many wives do this: first taking care of the child, then taking care of their parents, then friend, then dog, then husband, and only at the end they (if there is enough time) begin to think about themselves. As a rule, the habit of belittling themselves women pick up in maternity and so live with it the rest of his life. For men, it can manifest itself in irrepressible workaholism. For many people, belittling themselves becomes a habit: they believe that they have to carry not only themselves and the family, but also their retired parents, distant relatives and friends. They think it is right to give all their earned money to their loved ones, because they believe that if they do otherwise, they will be selfish;
- Living in fear. This self-toxicity manifests itself in the fact that people are frightened by a certain life situation, but continue to be in it. That is, the very reason that caused the fear is gone, but the feeling of fear does not go away. This problem can be solved if you stop being afraid and start to change your life for the better. Unfortunately, many people prefer to do nothing. So they continue to live in fear, or they look for excuses for their inaction: “Everybody lives this way! Am I better?”, “I would change everything, but I don’t have the power / money / time”;
- Strong envy. You may ask: How does envy relate to self-toxicity? Very simple: In envying someone else’s success, self-toxic people suppress their desires: “Why is she so dressed up? My dress is better and cheaper”, “So what if he got a million for year? My thousands is enough for me”, “And why does he need a career? I work as a security guard, I work for less, but I get the same!” With black envy, people essentially program their brains to avoid all the benefits that cause them stress and irritation;
- Constant complaining and dissatisfaction. This is the most common type of self-toxicity. There are millions of people in the world who like to complain about everything in the world: that everything is bad, and if things were different, they would definitely be more beautiful, rich, and successful. Such people are not interested in anything, do not want to engage in self-development, they usually do not appreciate what they have and believe that everyone owes them. If you are also have some feelings, stop doing it. Remember: it’s not words changing the world, but actions;
- Shame. This is the most difficult type of self-toxicity, because it is usually associated with childhood trauma. A person who is ashamed of himself is shackled by his own complexes. Such a person cannot develop normally and communicate with people. Fortunately, this problem is treatable. A few sessions with a psychologist are enough, and the feeling of shame will pass.
The benefits of being aware of self-toxicity
In order to change your life, you must realize that you do not love yourself. Without this, any change will only be negative. That is, you will have to face the coldness of other people from time to time, because the energy of a person with low self-esteem is repulsive.
Here are the signs you should pay attention to:
- You never give yourself first priority. You’re constantly thinking about how comfortable everyone will be, but you’re completely oblivious to your own interests;
- You don’t know how to trust yourself. It is about listening to your intuition, feeling and other manifestations of feelings and emotions. For example, you notice that someone likes you, but you doubt that this could be reality;
- You constantly worry about what others think of you. You try to be liked, to gain recognition, to feel “on the level,” but you don’t do well or you just don’t see your successes;
- You allow others to cross your personal boundaries, because you do not know how to defend them;
- You are always satisfied with little, even if there is an opportunity to take for yourself more;
- You do not know how to say no. Because of this you often sacrifice their interests, so as not to offend anyone.
Reasons for this behavior
If you realize it’s about you, try to understand that it’s not your fault. Low self-esteem and self-toxicity usually take a long time. As a rule, it occurs in childhood or adolescence.
Maybe your parents were either too strict with you (and you tried to prove in every way that you were worthy of their love), or they pampered you too much (and you learned about how good you really are from others, having experienced many disappointments in the process). And since you’re not guilty of anything, you need to figure out what to do and start taking active steps to rectify the situation.
What to do?
Be sure to get to have a closer look at your “inner critic”. Find out at what exact moment it appears, what it wants from you and why it doesn’t give you peace of mind.
It is important to find out where you are getting this self-deprecating attitude from, that is, in whose words the critic speaks. Argue with him and prove that you have a lot of positive qualities, never waste a lot of time on self-deprecation, draw conclusions and move on.
Don’t strive for perfectionism, don’t set exaggerated demands in front of you. Become your own advocate who justifies your every action. And remember that your interests should be primary, then self-love will radically change your life for the better.